


SPAM JA NAI KATSURA DA

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Category: Gintama, Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Food, Gen, Humor, Parody, Restaurants, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 10:51:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9231614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: In which Katsura works in a restaurant again. Parody of MPFC's infamous 1970 skit.Using this as a cosplay skit would be much appreciated.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure but I think Japan already have their version of "Spam", namely "Tamago Kake Gohan" (egg on rice) repeated over and over by Koyasu Takehito.

_(Scene: A typical Japanese teppanyaki restaurant. Chef KATSURA KOTAROU is standing behind the grill. A table is occupied by some UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO)_

**(Enter SAKATA GINTOKI and SHIMURA SHINPACHI, lowered into a table using wires)**

KATSURA:  
Welcome.

GINTOKI:  
Morning.

SHINPACHI:  
Good morning. What do you recommend?

KATSURA:  
Well, there's egg on rice, egg on rice and yakisoba, katsudon and spam, miso soup and tofu and spam, yakisoba and katsudon and miso soup and spam, spam yakisoba rice and spam, spam egg spam spam on rice and spam, spam spamdon spam spam spamsoba spamyaki and spam, spam spam spam spam egg and spam, spam spam spam red bean paste and spam.

SHINPACHI:  
_(confused)_

KATSURA:  
There's also Kobe beef chateaubriand steak with a crapaudine sauce served with shallots garnished with tarragon, beurre maître d'hôtel, white wine with rice on top and spam.

SHINPACHI:  
Have you got anything without spam in it?

KATSURA:  
Well, egg on rice and yakisoba and spam doesn't have much spam in it.

SHINPACHI:  
But I don't want any spam!

GINTOKI:  
Why can't he have egg on rice and spam and yakisoba?

SHINPACHI:  
That's got spam in it!

GINTOKI:  
Hey, not as much as spam egg on rice and spam!

SHINPACHI:  
Look, could I have egg on rice and spam and yakisoba _without_ the spam?

KATSURA:  
_(shocked and disgusted)_ You bastard!

SHINPACHI:  
_(enraged)_ What do you mean "bastard"? I don't LIKE spam!

UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
_(sing noisily and dance around)_ Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam!

_(Scene quickly cuts to a black-and-white shot of an airship flying through the air as they sing)_

KATSURA:  
_(furiously hits spatula against counter shouting)_ Shut up! Shut up!

UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
_(continue singing)_

KATSURA:  
Shut your mouths before I wipe your despicable race off the face of this country!

UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
_(quiet)_

KATSURA:  
You can't have egg on rice and spam and yakisoba without the spam!

SHINPACHI:  
Why not?

KATSURA:  
Because it wouldn't be egg on rice and spam and yakisoba, would it?

SHINPACHI:  
I said I don't LIKE spam!

GINTOKI:  
Come on, don't make a fuss about it like a grumpy old lady! I'll have your spam. I love it!

SHINPACHI:  
_(interrupts)_ No you don't. You're not becoming OOC, are you?

GINTOKI:  
I'll have spam, spam, spam, spam, spam…

UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
_(start singing again)_

GINTOKI:  
… spam, red bean paste, spam, spam and spam!

KATSURA:  
Red bean paste is off!

GINTOKI:  
Can I have spam instead?

SHINPACHI:  
_(screams)_ No you can't! Red bean paste is your favorite! You hear me? GIN-SAN!

KATSURA:  
You mean spam, spam…

KATSURA and UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
… spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam?

GINTOKI:  
Yeah!

SHINPACHI:  
No!

UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO:  
Wonderful Spam! Lovely Spam!

KATSURA:  
_(hits spatula shouting)_ Shut up! Shut up!

**(Enters HASEGAWA TAIZOU, walking in a very sloppy manner, a bottle of sake in hand)**

HASEGAWA:  
Boobies!

KATSURA:  
Not boobies, I'm Katsura!

HASEGAWA:  
I wanna spam you in the spam and then we'll spam together until I spam and then I'll make you spam and after that we'll spam spam spam spam spam…

**(Enter two SHINSENGUMI MEMBERS escorting HASEGAWA TAIZOU out of the restaurant)**

**(Exit SHINSENGUMI MEMBERS and HASEGAWA TAIZOU)**

_(Scene cuts to SORACHI HIDEAKI in front of the map of Japan)_

SORACHI:  
The Amanto has secured yet another victory at the Yamagata restaurant. Their strategy was the same: from their stronghold on an island off the coast of Kanagawa, they ventured to Honshu where they assembled in Edo. Once arrived in Edo, they assembled at the Yamagata restaurant and spam selected a spam particular spam item, spam spam spam spam spam!

_(The background map is lifted from the set to reveal the restaurant where SORACHI HIDEAKI joins the singing UGLY-LOOKING AMANTO)_

**(Exit SAKATA GINTOKI and SHIMURA SHINPACHI via wires)**

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Imagine the endless "spam" lines in Ishida Akira's voice.  
> 2\. Try not to laugh.


End file.
